I just got from the gym again and i look down at my phone and the very first text message i get it (no, its not Howdy or good morning, i rather it be that though) is:
u like sex in the Mornin, wake up sex or what have u?
Really, I don't need this. Why did you think it was okay to send that to me? I am not your girl and have not been since.. since... High School. But was i really your girl... or was i the safe one to bring around moms. Did you just wake up and say, lets see what AMM is doing..lets get in her mind and see what we can get out of her. Is that your dirty talk? If so, um.. no. try again. And we had not been talking like that for you to feel that comfortable asking me those questions. What we had was in High School..and you are asking if in the past 10 years i have changed my "ways of doing things". Aren't those private thoughts that you ask the one you are with.. in a biblical sense ( i learned this saying in high school in Mishawaka, along with the subject at hand) Did you wake up the horn ball that i know most guys are and i was the first person you could think of to ask. UGH...
morning, noon and night
That is what i answered
I BLOG BECAUSE I ONLY ANSWER TO MYSELF
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day, oh who cares... and yes this is my second blog today. So.. are you judging me? Ha. I have a lot of times on my hands and i would like it to be occupied but i have no biters (i wish i had a biter or at least a nibble here and there). So, so after a short conversation with an high school x--and a lengthy o
ne with my high school bff.. i am back from the gym sitting on my chaise/ sectional couch...ALONE. The gym was great. I ran. Lifted. Checked some guys out...BOY to i love men that work out and their bodies are so tight.. it makes me
SCREAM. I admit that i went there because i wanted to see some men..who cares about the work out... It is hard (ha) doing this or lack of there. I am so use to having what i want when i want it... (shh) as many times as i want it..for the past..GOOD GOD 4 years. So as i sit here on the couch... i turn to this.
Fuck i don't have cable because i would be laying on the couch doing nothing but thinking..thinking... The only urge in me is to text NAMELESS...but i don't want to. i want to be over with that.. i think. But but butt butt... Oh my mind... I think if i had money and like to drink... i would be DRUNK OF MY...DIAMONDS ON MY NECK PATRON IN MY CUP IF YOU WANT IT COME IT GET IT....
OH MY MIND. You know i am just talking about eating some cheesecake right! Damn, I love cheesecakeI BLOG BECAUSE I SCREAM WAY TOO LOUD ( for that cheesecake..damn y'all get your heads (ha) out of the gutters)
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So I am back in Indy..the visit with my father was..um, awkward. I enjoyed myself. We saw the Soloist, good movie. I think i heard Van snoring through some of it. We got gas, he paid, we got food, he paid. And my favorite, we got Cheesecake, he paid. Aww...child support for an adult. I laugh at myself. He wanted to take me to the mall but i was sick of driving and it was 8:45p when he decided to do that. I think deep down he actually knew it was closed just wanted to... have something to say. I don't know.
You know while i was getting myself lost in Chicago, i noticed that my Car, which name is MICK, told me that the gas was getting low. Not like " Hey ma'am your gas is low" Like "BEEP BEEP"...well i think you get the point. So on one of my wrong turns i took, it said like 30 miles til empty. Now 30 miles in rush hour is not much at all. All the stop and go traffic. Anyho... the detour that Fransicso took me on lead to me the ghetto. I am talking ghetto. Where i was concerned in my car.. who know what would have happened if i got out of the car..So i didn't get gas... i continued with the detour..if i ran out of gas.. i guess i would have just sat there waiting on someone to get there. Who would i have called in a city where i know so few? Probably my mother..it would have taken her 3 hours to get there? My father..he flew in... interesting... Maybe i should stop next time?
On the way back, I wanted a (aw.. here we go).. five dollar foot long..(any any). So i looked on Fransisco for the nearest one.. without backtracking or getting to far off the highway. The first one i stopped at was (keyword..ha) WHITES ONLY SANDWICHES. (thanks Pooh and thanks LIFE the movie). I pulled up, anticipating..my sandwich and everyone's eyes seem to be on me. everyones white eyes... so i put my seatbelt back on and headed to the next subway where it look like they knew that we had overcame and had a black president. Yes, that was 30 miles up the road, but it was worth the way. And i ate the entire thing. First time ever eating that much.. hopefully it goes to my boobs not my butt or thighs.
While driving, i heard this song that i seem to get out of my head. Its called HER HEART by Anthony Hamilton.. there is a part where he sings
"And as you cried in my arms
You woke up my heart
And I saw again what I found in you"
On the way down i listened to it a million times and i cried for about 30 mins straight. I used to have this feelings, i love when i have these feelings and someone use to have these feelings for me. I didn't cry because he said cried in my arms. I cried because the YOU WOKE UP MY HEART.. yeah it is a love song but i took it to you woke up my heart showing your true self to me and i saw again what i found in you that i needed to let go. if that makes any sense. Its a great song. I don't think it matters if you let so first but i am going to one up you and let go more. TELL THAT (ha)
I BLOG BECAUSE I GET LOST IF I DIDN'T
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Made it Chi. Safe and sound. It took forever. I got lost. With Fransico, that's the name of my GPS. How do you Fransico stay right but remain left.. Make a uturn. Make a uturn. Have you tried making a uturn or stay right when going left on I-94w. If you have I need the secret. Because it's not possible. Fransico almost went flying out the window. Now you make a uturn. But... I got here. Thanks to Fransico.. Hotel is nice haven't seen dad yet. But I looked at his shoes ( I work in shoes.. So I look at shoes) he wears a size 10. Didn't know that. That made me smile. You know when little girls walk around in their daddys shoes.. Like when they are 1 or 2 years old... I never got to do that he was never there for that so i look at his sizes. Simple things. His my father, I'm his first offical first born (whole other blog... I have a older adopted sister, and dad remarried and I have two other siblings).
PS. My phone rang yesterday. Yep.. He got his money. Hopeful I can... Breathe better
Also Mark since I know you read this.. Wonderwoman made a comment on one of the pages. Check it out. I love my followers. The power of the world wide web
I BLOG BECAUSE IT RELEASES MY UTURNS
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i just saw a man with man on a motorcycle.. No it was not a carrier on the side.. The man in the back had his hands on this other guys stomach holding on. And the thing that made me double take is that gas is $1.96 ( so i don't think that is the reason for carpooling..or motorpooling) and that they looked like drinking buddies not cut buddies. You know, to each their own but that was a little weird. They should have rethought that before the execution. I think i would have if i were a guy.. but I am not and i didn't.
Tomorrow i am going to Chicago to see my father. He lives in MS and has a confernece in Chi. I am excited to see him. I haven't seen him since i graduated from BSU about..wow.. I am about to tell me age back in 2004. (do the math). We will probably talk and eat. The only thing i am dreeding beside the morning, midday, after work and middle of the night traffic is the conversation about what i plan on doing with the rest of my life. The only answer that i have come up with today was.. I don't know.. I will look into that for you. The rest of my life...? Honestly i would just like to find the ONE, get married and have children. In that order..soon and very soon. I think i was put here to be a mother, a wife, and a daugther. So right now i am 1 for 3. I would love to be 3 for 3 right now. How do my odds look?
I BLOG BECAUSE I THINK MOTORPOOLING SHOULD BE IN THE DICTIONARY
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I go visit people at there residence, but people don't come see me.. I have an entire apartment that 5 people have come to see..and one girl hasn't been my favorite in a while (but we are growing back to like one another). So that is down to 4 people that have come to see me...one is a 3 year old (whom i love to death..my GODBABY). So that is down to 3 people that have come to see me..Pooh came with my Godbaby (heck she is 3 and can't drive and she is my BFF). so that is down to 2 people that have come to see me, RH helped me move in and then their is NAMELESS (oh, i think that name might stick with him). Where is everyone else? I think that i am selfish at times. At many times... and i don't know why that is. In life, in relationships, in money and at work. Note that i said "at times." I want so much more than i have, and give what i can and no more..and i want my feelings to be consoled and my thoughts listened to. But i do listen to others. I dislike it greatly when people don't want to talk to me...I dislike it greatly when people don't hear me or listen to me...much in the same. I had NAMELESS tell me on several occassions that i only think about myself...well if you think about it.. who else will think about me, and care about my needs the way i will. Not saying i dont care about others and am their for them and what not, people i am... I am always there.. more than people actually want to point out. Maybe NAMELESS doesn't know what he is talking about.. i think that is what it is. That is why he will remain NAMELESS, and our memories will be POINTLESS. Ugh...People people people... is this mic on ...the reason of my blogging is not to just talk about him. when you have something happen in your life you find how ironic things are about situations and events and somehow goes back to him. NAMELESS. The pain is there and it is real. The tears fill my pillow, but you know every morning will be different and i will be one step further away from RANDOMNESS and EMPTINESS. But i will try and keep my blogs away from just NAMESLESS to get my real points across... ugh.... the phone just rang...but... it... wasn't you. Am i really waiting for you to call to talk to me or just call so i can ignore you....try me.
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Do you have your money?
That's when you know the relationship or what ever was still there is done. OVER. NULL and VOID...you told me not to worry about it. But YES, come pick it up. DO I HAVE YOUR MONEY...shit do you have the time that was wasted when i thought you wanted to be with me.
WOOOOOSAAAAAupdate 1: I didn't go through with the hair cut...i got crazy scared and my hairdresser didn't want to..and i trust her..plus that would have added a less another 2 hours in at the salon..and i already think that 2.5 hours is to long for a wash.
update 2: the friend that i quoted in yesterday Oprah topic has not read this yet but he seemed interested and excited that he was in my piece.
Okay enough with the updates...
Last night me and POOH went to
La RODEO (make sure the R rolls off your tongue) for some authentic Mexican food. It hit the spot. I have had some awful Mexican food before. My cousin was graduating from a college in Indianapolis. We called ahead to make reservations to El Sol (it means the sun)..we got there..no one was there. When i mean to one... like why did they even take the reservations, no one in America even know you all exist. Anyways, on the menu the served goat. So i wasn't even interested anymore, in anything that they were serving but i wanted to try and be a trooper. I got Enchiladas. It came out looking like...ugh. I put my forkful of mess in my mouth and it came back up. GROSS OF ALL GROSS...nastiness. I made my cousin cry because the restaurant was bad. Heck, she didn't build the place or serve or cook the food. I was so was again done. I sat their with my "safe" water (or was it). I have a problem with white melted cheese and it was all of my dish..anyways i lost my train of thought.... lets see..Oh so after it came back up..the waiter asked me in his broken English did i want something else. I said no, but i should have said i wanted some fries from
McDs and some cheesecake (oh how i love thee). that should have put a smile on someones face...because i was smiling.
But i am
weird like that, because the food could of have been the bomb (which i doubt) but i have a problem with how half melted or already melted cheese goes down my throat..it makes me gag or worst. So to my cousin, i am sorry if i offended you in anyway but i got nothing but love for you.
I BLOG BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I DON'T HAVE ANY
CHEESECAKE
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Its funny how long i wait for you to call me. I waste time doing that. Does my phone ring, YES. Are you on the other end, no! Am i surprised NO. Would my family be happy that you didn't call and would just leave me alone. HELL YES. But there is something in my that wants you to call me and wants you to come over. Its been a week since...and you just stopped calling and i figured the phone rings both ways so i am not going to blow your phone up if that is what you are waiting for. I am at this point where I feel more alone than usually and it would help if you just picked up the phone like you did for the last 1.5 years and just talk. It would give me great joy for a little conversation. But now i guess some other girl is on your jock and you gotta do you. FINE. We are friends, aren't we. Don't be in someones bed when you were just in mine less than a week ago. And when i mean bed i mean literally and like in your space..taking all your time. You know i won't even go there... because quite honestly I don't want you in my bed...FRESH sheets and all..HA. No but for real, i don't.. I am pass that with you.. but i see and know what is on your mind when you come over. Well like 75% of the time. I can look pass all that physical stuff. I want you as a friend..a friend that when my world comes crashing down or i need someone to talk to you will talk to me. But you know, that might be to much to ask of you..since you are a BUSINESS MAN...trying to find out what really keeps you busy man is none of my business. But all the busy men and business men i know, can use thedamn phone. Sigh... Okay I'm off soap box now
As i wait for my call i think about my hair..to cut or not to cut. Its hair..with will grow back like the weeds in the flower bush. I want it short-- like short short...NIA LONG, Angela Basset. I have the face, i think, for it and i am a petite frame.. i know it would look good but would i like it. Could i EMBRACE it? Or would i look like i boy, and less available...or less like myself. I think the sexiest thing would be when rub my hands through it and i can massage my scalp...like when you rubs a guys hair. Would i look like a boy? And it grows back..right...I just don't know. Everyone else says to do it but i am SO scared. Its not there hair or their life. But i think i could do it, i could rock it. will i miss my ponytail...Probably not, i can never find a rubber band it pull it up anyways. HA...as a wait for my phone call i think about my hair
I BLOG BECAUSE AT TIMES MY HAIR GROWS AND MY PHONE ISN'T RINGING
**as a side note.. for the people that do call me and hang out with me... i welcome that.. don't stop..its just at times..well that a whole other blog.. you get what i am saying.. Continue to be there for me a put me out the door to do stuff.. i welcome it and love it. I LOVE MY
FRIENDS
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Day 2: So i have this
weird habit now. I go into a store, either fill my cart or hands up with what i want or what i think i need to complete my "fix." Fill it up all the way. TO THE TOP. TIPPY! want start eliminating things one by one. At this time, I have eliminated and added some things. And then..the next move might shock you..but i do it all the time... i leave it all there and walk out the store. Although i have waste time, my precious time, that i cherish so much...I HAVE NOT WASTED MONEY. Its funny. But i do it all the time. Now i do feel sorry for the people that have to find where all the stuff goes and put it away. I have saved so much money this way it is crazy. Now there are times that i do purchase things, but i also return things...It saves!!
Now for Oprah: I don't understand. I watch the show from time to time but i don't feel as though she doesn't have the heart anymore..she doesn't listen to her guest and seems to rather talk about herself an any conversation.. I don't get it at all. I like Whinfey when she listened to people, when she cared, when she cried with them..now....OPRAHS ON...ugh that song
She would probably play herself in her own Life story! SAD (words of Mark McCowan)
I BLOG BECAUSE I CARE WHATS ON MY MIND
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Day1: I feel as though this was a long time coming... I need to write and read in life. I have recently started reading..and when i say recent..well the other day I was cleaning out my old apartment and realized the millisecond when i closed the door behind me to go to the new apartment (which is just right up the stairs..stay with me now) that my keys where in there, and my IPHONE. Not only my keys to the old apartment but also the new one. The only thing that i had with me was my 5 quarters to start washing my clothes. This was 7am. Well the only thing to do down in the laundry facilities was to read a book from this community "leave you book for someone else to read" library. So i picked one up..and by 10am when I was freed- the book was completed. And i started my next one the next day. I have now been through 2 books in 3 days and deciding on what to read next... so I will write until then. I am starting to LIVE AND LET GO. I can only do me and that is all that is asked of me. I am sick of being compared to everyone and every situation. I am not them and they are not me. If i wanted to be someone else i would. I love my life, minus my job (and to be a millionaire would be great), and for people to call themselves my
friends and make me feel worst then i can make myself feel is AWFUL. And why do i still call you my friend. When I need my support system, i turn and turn...and do 360s.... Days on ends pass and i wonder if i were not here would anyone care. I don't understand. I know it is not always about me.. but sometimes i want it to be to know that someone cares about me. Now, i am not saying i have no one...for the few people that might read this..
For some reason i am getting emotionally, so i am going to stop for the night.
I BLOG BECAUSE I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS
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