I don't understand why my life has pan out or better yet not panned out the way that i invisioned. the way that i spoke to GOD and prayed about when i was younger. I don't feel like i have done anything with my life. i sit her thinking about things i should do with my life and i continue to sit here. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i feel so alone in my life. i seem like i have no one there for me, the way i have been there for my friends. what did i do wrong and why do i continue to sit here without the motivation to do anything. i hurt more than anyone can imagine and i have problems expressing myself...


I feel used.... and i have let myself down more than i thought i could.

you know when you try and stop yourself from crying and your ears start to hurt and my throat starts to burn.. i have that feeling everyday

i shouldn't be alone...but i am.
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ALONE...
Lets see, where do i start. My life has been so up and down the last couple of months. I was with someone that "put his hands on me" and i loved this man. this man would also be the man that would say stuff to me that i can't hold my own and that he doesn't really want to be with me. but i still remained with me. and my heart hurts. and i am low. the lowest that i have been in a while and i can't shake it. why do i pick certain people to be in my life. he said we move too fast and it kills me that he thought that.... did we...? I wasn't the type of girl for him then why did he date me... it don't understand..and maybe it is not for me to understand. He now has a new girl friend that he has been with for about 2 months and they have been moving quick... i mean that makes me look to myself..what is wrong with me that i can't get it right. how will i get it right. i smile so much right now because i think i might start crying...the pain that my heart feels, my soul feels is unmeasurable. i look you dead in your eyes and i shake and i can't control it or myself. what can i do to correct myself, my ways, my actions.

Why am i alone?

PRAY
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fin!






im done..time to move on.



You come over to soothe my day (it was a day from hell at work)..and your manhood gets in the way...whether we did or we didn't but i just needed someone on my side. to talk to, someone to listen...but i can see in your eyes thats what you want. Ugh! I didn't hestiate, let's just get it out of the way and it will be over. I SAID I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR MANHOOD. there it is out of the way. You stayed too long and hugged too long and it was what i was longing for. But i could have got that from another. I just wanted to see you and you surprised me...I think i fell for the trap. You sit there knowing i want you more than you want me, but i will not touch you... you are off limits to me. The last hug you gave me...brought me to me knees...i cried like a 5 year old and i couldn't stop. was it you with me or me with you that brought all this pain to surface in one hug..Maybe i shouldn't see you again..like ever in life.
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to fly

PRETTY WINGS

(BROWN ARE THE LYRICS PURPLE ARE MY COMMENTS)

Time will bring the real end of our trial (I think we are over..for good)
One day there'll be no remnants, no trace, (the scars that you have left on my heart will be healed by someone else)
No residual feelings within you
One day you won't remember me. (you will remember what you used to have and wonder what you did wrong)





Your face will be the reason I smile (happiness for letting go so something that only made me stronger in life and love)
But I will not see what I cannot have forever
I'll always love you. (You have taught me so much about myself, so much that i loved the way that i was, and will continue being me)
I hope you feel the same.







Oh, you played me dirty, your game was so bad (you're game was chess and was trying to be a piece..where i need to be the Player)
You toyed with my affliction
Had to fill out my prescription for the remedy
I had to set you free. (Free to do what you will, we are removed from one another)






Away from me
To see clearly (i am still learning how to do this)
The way that love can be
when you are not with me (I will love again, without you...
I had to lead
I had to live
I had to leave
I had to love (my 4 favorite lines in this song)






If I can't have you
Let love set you free (free..removed...please use those words interchangeable...I wonder if i would ever be in your arms again, but then i remember your words and your harmful touch and i am free to love anyone else)
To fly your pretty wings around.

Pretty wings, your pretty wings,
yourPretty wings. Pretty wings around.






I came wrong you were right
Transformed your love into like. (from you hiding your true feelings about what you felt about us...made my love for you disappear and sooner or later so did you. You changed into someone i didn't want to be with anymore. But i wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted it to work..I pushed and pushed)
Baby believe me, I'm sorry I told you lies.
I turned day into night
Sleep till I die a thousand times
Ah, I should've showed you
Better nights, better times
Better days, and I miss you more and more (You showed me a lot about myself and what i deserve, the only thing i am missing now is that guy that can treat me the way you once did. Did in the beginning. And you know as days turn in to weeks.. i don't care anymore. I am happy. I got my friends and my family. And I will be okay)






If I can't have you
Let love set you free
To fly your pretty wings around.






Pretty wings, your pretty wings, yourPretty wings.
Pretty wings around.Pretty wings, your pretty wings,
your Pretty wings. Pretty wings around.





-Maxwell









This song has become a coping song for me...I am learning. I am letting go...







I BLOG BECAUSE IT HELPS ME COPE

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breaking news

So, i ran into you the other day..and when i mean ran into..you asked if you could come over. I said yeah. I sat in my dining room and you sat on the couch. I was uncomfortable. I was waiting you to leave. Yeah, i made my bed, but not for you to lay in and did my dishes not for you to use and cleaned my bathroom but not for you to use.. I just needed to and i a wanted it to look a certain way...I don't think i consciously did it for you but i don't know. But i am happy that you didn't stay and that my place is semi clean now.


You did hug me when you left..and honestly i started crying.. you held me longer than you should have and i could feel me hands didn't want to let so i held on as long as you did. But honestly when you felt your hands let go..it was like.... um.. a release. I was ready. I don't look at you the same way that i did. To be honest, i could jump anyone's bones if i wanted to but that is not that what i am looking for... I think i can breathe! Sigh! Breathe easier.


Do i think i will relapse? No, I won't let myself

Do i think i will cry? Yes, until i can't anymore

But i will keep myself busy and not think i am less than what i am. Or deserve the BS that you served me..BECAUSE I CAN DO BETTER THAN YOU AND WILL DO BETTER THAN YOU.

---and sorry about the d*ck comment..i heard they can sew those things back on...

---and please lose my mothers phone number, you don't need to wish her a happy mothers day because the words that she has for you don't start with happy but probably involved muthaf---


I BLOG BECAUSE MY RANDOM THOUGHTS ARE SO RANDOM
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in·san·i·ty
in·san·i·ty
Pronunciation: \in-ˈsa-nə-tē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural in·san·i·ties
Date: 1590
1: a deranged state of the mind usually occurring as a specific disorder (as schizophrenia)2: such unsoundness of mind or lack of understanding as prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship, status, or transaction or as removes one from criminal or civil responsibility3 a: extreme folly or unreasonableness b: something utterly foolish or unreasonable

Soi know this will be putting me on blast..but.. i want my followers to read and comment...


Me: Since i don't share this with anyone anymore....
I'm sad that i don't get to see you anymore or talk to you. I wait for for a day or evening that you want to just come over just to shoot the breeze. i miss that. It's been really hard not really having you around just to listen to me, share our thoughts about..Well anything!!
And not to get this confused with my intentions but last night i woke up around 330a (which i do every night because that's when you used to call to get the door unlocked) and i reached for you) Obviously, you were not there but it hurt and i had a mild melt down...But it's sad. And i wanted to say sorry for everything i didn't that wasn't what you wanted

In the end though, I don't want to hate you...So i want you to know where i am coming from and its not built up in me


Nameless: Its cool. I know you think everything was easy for me but it wasn't. At the end of the day, i feel like i did all i could. I couldn't continue to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result to come. That the definition of insanity. I had to remove myself


Insanity.. Are you calling me insane? For caring about you, helping you, loving you...


I HOPE YOUR D*CK FALLS OFF BASTARD.


Now that is insanity...




I BLOG BECAUSE I AM IN THE RIGHT STATE OF MIND




side note: I am done! For real..there might be blogs but i am done.
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Reached

Sometimes i wish i could control my thoughts and or my actions. Last night...
I reached for you. I was turning in my bed and where i thought you thigh should be..well it wasn't there. At that moment i became unstable. I couldn't sleep, i couldn't think straight. All i could do was wait for your phone call..and waited and waited. Still nothing! I toss and turn and wonder if you are thinking about me as much as i am you. It hurts so much when i see you all i can do is be nice and try to make small talk. But tonight you did notice the outfit...which, sad, again, i wore it for you. I came home trying to tell myself just get in the bed, he is not going to call or come by. He is over you! And get over yourself. But i can't and i couldn't. I waited.
And when my hand went searching you, my eyes began to fill with tears. It is you that I am missing. But maybe it is for my own good. I don't need you to be with me because you feel obligated or that i want you next to be. I want you with me because in your heart that is all you know. And that is all you can think about..is me...well do you...Do you think about me? Does you hand search for me in those empty-lonely nights..? Or are you hands already searching for someone else. I think it would help if i didn't see you or talk to you because it hurts more than you think and i can't control myself or my thoughts when i am near you. And obviously you don't want me, because my phone would have rang or my text messages answered. I just don't understand...why do you continue to hurt me with out even knowing it.
I waiting for you last night, i don't know out of habit or what have you. The band was packing up and i was just sitting there..waiting...for what?? I hardly spoken to me and you continuously walked passed me without saying anything. But i still waited...for nothing. You walked me to my car..which i appreciate..but you do this with any girl that is leaving anywhere late at night...its called being a gentleman. I got a hug and you complimented me on my outfit (yes!)..and i just want to grab you and start over. "Hello my name is______, lets start our lives together". And I waited, and my mouth remained shut. My heart is screaming to you and you give it the silent treatment. I waited
I BLOG BECAUSE ONE DAY I HOPE TO GET OVER WAITING
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