La.Bella.Vita: 2009

I don't understand why my life has pan out or better yet not panned out the way that i invisioned. the way that i spoke to GOD and prayed about when i was younger. I don't feel like i have done anything with my life. i sit her thinking about things i should do with my life and i continue to sit here. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i feel so alone in my life. i seem like i have no one there for me, the way i have been there for my friends. what did i do wrong and why do i continue to sit here without the motivation to do anything. i hurt more than anyone can imagine and i have problems expressing myself...

I feel used.... and i have let myself down more than i thought i could.

you know when you try and stop yourself from crying and your ears start to hurt and my throat starts to burn.. i have that feeling everyday

i shouldn't be alone...but i am.

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ALONE...

Lets see, where do i start. My life has been so up and down the last couple of months. I was with someone that "put his hands on me" and i loved this man. this man would also be the man that would say stuff to me that i can't hold my own and that he doesn't really want to be with me. but i still remained with me. and my heart hurts. and i am low. the lowest that i have been in a while and i can't shake it. why do i pick certain people to be in my life. he said we move too fast and it kills me that he thought that.... did we...? I wasn't the type of girl for him then why did he date me... it don't understand..and maybe it is not for me to understand. He now has a new girl friend that he has been with for about 2 months and they have been moving quick... i mean that makes me look to myself..what is wrong with me that i can't get it right. how will i get it right. i smile so much right now because i think i might start crying...the pain that my heart feels, my soul feels is unmeasurable. i look you dead in your eyes and i shake and i can't control it or myself. what can i do to correct myself, my ways, my actions.

Why am i alone?

PRAY

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fin!

im done..time to move on.

You come over to soothe my day (it was a day from hell at work)..and your manhood gets in the way...whether we did or we didn't but i just needed someone on my side. to talk to, someone to listen...but i can see in your eyes thats what you want. Ugh! I didn't hestiate, let's just get it out of the way and it will be over. I SAID I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR MANHOOD. there it is out of the way. You stayed too long and hugged too long and it was what i was longing for. But i could have got that from another. I just wanted to see you and you surprised me...I think i fell for the trap. You sit there knowing i want you more than you want me, but i will not touch you... you are off limits to me. The last hug you gave me...brought me to me knees...i cried like a 5 year old and i couldn't stop. was it you with me or me with you that brought all this pain to surface in one hug..Maybe i shouldn't see you again..like ever in life.

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to fly

PRETTY WINGS

(BROWN ARE THE LYRICS PURPLE ARE MY COMMENTS)

Time will bring the real end of our trial (I think we are over..for good)
One day there'll be no remnants, no trace, (the scars that you have left on my heart will be healed by someone else)
No residual feelings within you
One day you won't remember me. (you will remember what you used to have and wonder what you did wrong)

Your face will be the reason I smile (happiness for letting go so something that only made me stronger in life and love)
But I will not see what I cannot have forever
I'll always love you. (You have taught me so much about myself, so much that i loved the way that i was, and will continue being me)
I hope you feel the same.

Oh, you played me dirty, your game was so bad (you're game was chess and was trying to be a piece..where i need to be the Player)
You toyed with my affliction
Had to fill out my prescription for the remedy
I had to set you free. (Free to do what you will, we are removed from one another)

Away from me
To see clearly (i am still learning how to do this)
The way that love can be
when you are not with me (I will love again, without you...
I had to lead
I had to live
I had to leave
I had to love (my 4 favorite lines in this song)

If I can't have you
Let love set you free (free..removed...please use those words interchangeable...I wonder if i would ever be in your arms again, but then i remember your words and your harmful touch and i am free to love anyone else)
To fly your pretty wings around.

Pretty wings, your pretty wings,
yourPretty wings. Pretty wings around.

I came wrong you were right
Transformed your love into like. (from you hiding your true feelings about what you felt about us...made my love for you disappear and sooner or later so did you. You changed into someone i didn't want to be with anymore. But i wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted it to work..I pushed and pushed)
Baby believe me, I'm sorry I told you lies.
I turned day into night
Sleep till I die a thousand times
Ah, I should've showed you
Better nights, better times
Better days, and I miss you more and more (You showed me a lot about myself and what i deserve, the only thing i am missing now is that guy that can treat me the way you once did. Did in the beginning. And you know as days turn in to weeks.. i don't care anymore. I am happy. I got my friends and my family. And I will be okay)

If I can't have you
Let love set you free
To fly your pretty wings around.

Pretty wings, your pretty wings, yourPretty wings.
Pretty wings around.Pretty wings, your pretty wings,
your Pretty wings. Pretty wings around.

-Maxwell

This song has become a coping song for me...I am learning. I am letting go...

I BLOG BECAUSE IT HELPS ME COPE

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breaking news

So, i ran into you the other day..and when i mean ran into..you asked if you could come over. I said yeah. I sat in my dining room and you sat on the couch. I was uncomfortable. I was waiting you to leave. Yeah, i made my bed, but not for you to lay in and did my dishes not for you to use and cleaned my bathroom but not for you to use.. I just needed to and i a wanted it to look a certain way...I don't think i consciously did it for you but i don't know. But i am happy that you didn't stay and that my place is semi clean now.

You did hug me when you left..and honestly i started crying.. you held me longer than you should have and i could feel me hands didn't want to let so i held on as long as you did. But honestly when you felt your hands let go..it was like.... um.. a release. I was ready. I don't look at you the same way that i did. To be honest, i could jump anyone's bones if i wanted to but that is not that what i am looking for... I think i can breathe! Sigh! Breathe easier.

Do i think i will relapse? No, I won't let myself

Do i think i will cry? Yes, until i can't anymore

But i will keep myself busy and not think i am less than what i am. Or deserve the BS that you served me..BECAUSE I CAN DO BETTER THAN YOU AND WILL DO BETTER THAN YOU.

---and sorry about the d*ck comment..i heard they can sew those things back on...

---and please lose my mothers phone number, you don't need to wish her a happy mothers day because the words that she has for you don't start with happy but probably involved muthaf---

I BLOG BECAUSE MY RANDOM THOUGHTS ARE SO RANDOM

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in·san·i·ty

in·san·i·ty
Pronunciation: \in-ˈsa-nə-tē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural in·san·i·ties
Date: 1590
1: a deranged state of the mind usually occurring as a specific disorder (as schizophrenia)2: such unsoundness of mind or lack of understanding as prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship, status, or transaction or as removes one from criminal or civil responsibility3 a: extreme folly or unreasonableness b: something utterly foolish or unreasonable

Soi know this will be putting me on blast..but.. i want my followers to read and comment...

Me: Since i don't share this with anyone anymore....

I'm sad that i don't get to see you anymore or talk to you. I wait for for a day or evening that you want to just come over just to shoot the breeze. i miss that. It's been really hard not really having you around just to listen to me, share our thoughts about..Well anything!!

And not to get this confused with my intentions but last night i woke up around 330a (which i do every night because that's when you used to call to get the door unlocked) and i reached for you) Obviously, you were not there but it hurt and i had a mild melt down...But it's sad. And i wanted to say sorry for everything i didn't that wasn't what you wanted

In the end though, I don't want to hate you...So i want you to know where i am coming from and its not built up in me

Nameless: Its cool. I know you think everything was easy for me but it wasn't. At the end of the day, i feel like i did all i could. I couldn't continue to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result to come. That the definition of insanity. I had to remove myself

Insanity.. Are you calling me insane? For caring about you, helping you, loving you...

I HOPE YOUR D*CK FALLS OFF BASTARD.

Now that is insanity...

I BLOG BECAUSE I AM IN THE RIGHT STATE OF MIND

side note: I am done! For real..there might be blogs but i am done.

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Reached

Sometimes i wish i could control my thoughts and or my actions. Last night...

I reached for you. I was turning in my bed and where i thought you thigh should be..well it wasn't there. At that moment i became unstable. I couldn't sleep, i couldn't think straight. All i could do was wait for your phone call..and waited and waited. Still nothing! I toss and turn and wonder if you are thinking about me as much as i am you. It hurts so much when i see you all i can do is be nice and try to make small talk. But tonight you did notice the outfit...which, sad, again, i wore it for you. I came home trying to tell myself just get in the bed, he is not going to call or come by. He is over you! And get over yourself. But i can't and i couldn't. I waited.

And when my hand went searching you, my eyes began to fill with tears. It is you that I am missing. But maybe it is for my own good. I don't need you to be with me because you feel obligated or that i want you next to be. I want you with me because in your heart that is all you know. And that is all you can think about..is me...well do you...Do you think about me? Does you hand search for me in those empty-lonely nights..? Or are you hands already searching for someone else. I think it would help if i didn't see you or talk to you because it hurts more than you think and i can't control myself or my thoughts when i am near you. And obviously you don't want me, because my phone would have rang or my text messages answered. I just don't understand...why do you continue to hurt me with out even knowing it.

I waiting for you last night, i don't know out of habit or what have you. The band was packing up and i was just sitting there..waiting...for what?? I hardly spoken to me and you continuously walked passed me without saying anything. But i still waited...for nothing. You walked me to my car..which i appreciate..but you do this with any girl that is leaving anywhere late at night...its called being a gentleman. I got a hug and you complimented me on my outfit (yes!)..and i just want to grab you and start over. "Hello my name is______, lets start our lives together". And I waited, and my mouth remained shut. My heart is screaming to you and you give it the silent treatment. I waited

I BLOG BECAUSE ONE DAY I HOPE TO GET OVER WAITING

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I have done a lot of counting today. I woke up, in a hurry.. I needed to go help out at my store today, go work out, eat, get hair done and then an event tonight. Lets start with the 7 am alarm. I am woke! I am up but i don't want to start my day..was the very first thought in my mind. I want to stay in bed until i HAVE to get out...to do the necessary things. Well, if i get up now i can stop by Panera to get breakfast..Okay it takes me 30 mins to get to Panera by the job. And then 5 more mins to get to work...So i need to get up NOW. Of course when i get to work, my other manager wants to me stay later.. NO.. this is my day off and you are lucky that i am here now. Breathe...count to 10. Um, i can't stay pass 9:30am..I have to be somewhere at 10am. She was mad..I don't care! I don't want to be there anyways. I am out the store by 9:33a..headed to the gym for BootCamp...Damn I am feeling it...But all this counting and breathing and counting and reps after reps. My mind began to wonder....

1,2,3,4 dang it i could have saved the money from Panera and eat at home... i just brought all the stuff the other day and i just wasted $3.45,6,7,8.... Did i just see ligthening, i wondering if someone else just saw that. I didn't know it was going to rain all day today. Should i get my hair done would that be a waste now that it is raining. 9,10,11,12,13...its ABs time.. i really can't think when i do this. All i was thinking if people are checking out my ABs, they look good and they are rock solid. To bad there are no men in this session today, maybe in Fridays class...well the instructors are men.. but they have children, 1, 2, and 3....Not my type at all. Did he just say hold that for 30 more seconds. Okay... Morgan Freeman.... (yep he just jumped in my mind) he has children and grandchildren...thats okay..he's married.
WE'RE DONE...Awesome- headed home to make some food and then off to the hairdresser. I hope this doesn't take all day

Breathe Breathe Breathe

By the second half of this work out, i am thinking about all this counting that i have to do on a daily basic and my mind wonders to counting on people and people counting on me. I didn't really have a solid thought about it, it was just there, looming over me like a rain cloud (IDK, i couldn't think of anything). I feel as though sometimes i am just here.. like no one really realizes on me for anything. I could do days and days and i would not have to answer to anyone. I know wouldn't. I test it somedays... my phone doesn't ring..it doesnt do anything. I want to be someones something...maybe not there everything but i want to feel as though i am here for a reason because for a space filler, a bill payer, and a worker. I need a change and i need it soon because this isn't it and its getting to me.

I BLOG BECAUSE ITS GETTING TO ME

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THE INSANITY OF SPENDING

So this morning, after the gym i decided to go to Wal*Mart to get some groceries. So I went in for bagels and a new toaster. I left there sending $45.26. GOOD GOD...How did i do that? Well, as i was walking down the aisles, i decided that i wanted an Omelet from LePeeps. But didn't feel like making another trip somewhere else in my work out clothes to eat some breakfast that would have cost me, at the least, $13.00. So, I might at well get everything myself and make it myself.

The most expensive bagel trip....

$18.97 Toaster- i needed one with a cancel button because the one that i just broke didn't and now it doesn't toast

$2.18 wheat bread for my lunch sandwich for work, but i never want those when i am at work, i always want Panera or McDonald's, not a cold sandwich

$3.00 lunch meat- i don't like cheap lunch meat but i should because i always seem to waste it or it does bad

$1.01 for my onion and $.88 bell pepper, and $1.88 on mushrooms..that i had to convince myself to buy because if these were shipped from Mexico, could they carry the Swine Flu. In that case i picked them up with the plastic baggy anyways. I can't afford the Swine anything, i only came for bagels not a disease, and medical bills, and doctor visits.

$2.48 texas toast- i don't like this cheap either. this is for the spaghetti that i wanted to cook..and well you have to have bread to go with it. I make the best spaghetti. I do.. really..well i love it

$$6.80 (combined) on other lunches for work..in case i didn't want a cold sandwich again for the 4th day in a row

$2.93 Soy Milk..i don't like it but it goes good with my Honey Nut Cheerios, that i think i have at home.. i hope so

$2.88 on, get this, English Muffins, not bagels. And you know why, this is a sore spot for me, whenever i go to Wal*Mart I am looking for Honey Wheat Bagels..did they just stop making them. I don't understand. You made them for 3 years straight and not i can't find them anywhere. I hate this. I just want those bagels to put in my new $18.97 toaster with the much needed cancel button. Ugh

$.92 for my eggs..for this omelet that i now had all the ingredients for.

I came for my bagels and i left with 3 bags and a omelet to cook. Damn..LePeeps sounded better. so after i make that one omlet, i wont want another one for a while..so i won't use the eggs and i english muffins are gross and the bell pepper, onions and mushrooms i guess i could use those in my spaghetti. But i don't have the energy. And my kitchen is a mess and i need new pots and pans..but heck i just spend $45.26 at Wal*Mart when i could have just better off at LePeeps for $13.00.

I BLOB BECAUSE I BROUGHT EVERYTHING IN THE CART TODAY

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Adding to the EFF ME??

Oh does it hurt..Men do it to women just as much as women do it to men. Don't text me your desires with me, we are not together. You say you want to start something with me..that doesn't start in the bedroom, on the couch or me in any compromising position. I don't want you to be that straight forward with your "manhood" because i think if you are wailing it around waiting for a "pick up game" are you trying to proposition others to. Any takers- I will take the first one?? Put it away young man. I am not the girl, the women or the human existence for it. Take your "manhood" to someone that likes it like that and doesn't make it into more than what you want. Because the next person that i lay with, cross my fingers for this one boys and girls, will be my husband or a long relationship lover. i am getting to hang of sleeping alone, working out to relieve this extra energy that is being built up. I think i will be fine. As a good friend of my once said recently, I NEED SOME NEW _ick. I do! I Do! IDO. But i also want to have some meaning behind it, not just because they haven't gotten any in a while and i am now single. That is not my problem and i am not the solution. Go jack it off..I know that is rude and too much for some people to hear but a woman doesn't want to be just for now, i have nothing else going on, just for tonight person. We, in general, want to find the one or the one for right now. UGH.. i think i might need to go back to the gym. And if you have a girl.. LEAVE ME THE FCK ALONE... be with her! I can't help you!! Actually delete my number, those pictures and the text messages. I don't want any part of a love isosceles triangle, rectangle or octagon. Concern yourself with her, because while you are concerning yourself about what I am doing..think about what she might be doing TOO.

..now **SIGH**let me stand behind my words..

I BLOG BECAUSE I AM NOT PART OF YOUR PICK UP GAME

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Broken Down

Fck It!

I feel pain! And i cant help but be sad... I am broken down. Stop asking me what is wrong or why you seem so distant when we haven't talk really in 3 weeks. I have said me piece to someone else about you. I am exhausted. The other night..that purple dress i wore...THAT WAS FOR YOU..

why

why... i cried all night long..

I BLOG BECAUSE THE NIGHT IS FORGIVING

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Im Not but I am

...i am not going to entertain you. Walk pass me and don't speak. I can be the bigger person and not speak to you either. And then try and have small talk after you see me...what

...i am not going to let you rude ass, stupid ass comment get me down (although it has already and i am fighting back the tears)

... I am going to delete your number from my phone because i am sick of it... what happens to us being friends where we talk on the phone. F it if you don't want to come over becuase you can't control your "manhood", then we have a problem. Because I just want to talk. talk. Talk. TALK. Consider yourself deleted!

... I will play that song on repeat all the way to work because my heart screams and my eyes pour. But somehow it makes me feel good.

... I will shake hands with you at the gym..because i like a guy that can work out. And your tall. And chocolate. And handsom. And i didn't see a wedding band. But do you have kids...oh whats your name again.. I am so bad at remembering names. I think you said Greg. Well Greg i need to know your last name...??

... I will remain true to myself the best way i know how. But its just me.

I BLOG TO REMAIN TRUE

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First text of the day

I just got from the gym again and i look down at my phone and the very first text message i get it (no, its not Howdy or good morning, i rather it be that though) is:

u like sex in the Mornin, wake up sex or what have u?

Really, I don't need this. Why did you think it was okay to send that to me? I am not your girl and have not been since.. since... High School. But was i really your girl... or was i the safe one to bring around moms. Did you just wake up and say, lets see what AMM is doing..lets get in her mind and see what we can get out of her. Is that your dirty talk? If so, um.. no. try again. And we had not been talking like that for you to feel that comfortable asking me those questions. What we had was in High School..and you are asking if in the past 10 years i have changed my "ways of doing things". Aren't those private thoughts that you ask the one you are with.. in a biblical sense ( i learned this saying in high school in Mishawaka, along with the subject at hand) Did you wake up the horn ball that i know most guys are and i was the first person you could think of to ask. UGH...

morning, noon and night

That is what i answered

I BLOG BECAUSE I ONLY ANSWER TO MYSELF

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EDIT BUT NOT CENSORED

day, oh who cares... and yes this is my second blog today. So.. are you judging me? Ha. I have a lot of times on my hands and i would like it to be occupied but i have no biters (i wish i had a biter or at least a nibble here and there). So, so after a short conversation with an high school x--and a lengthy o

ne with my high school bff.. i am back from the gym sitting on my chaise/ sectional couch...ALONE. The gym was great. I ran. Lifted. Checked some guys out...BOY to i love men that work out and their bodies are so tight.. it makes me SCREAM. I admit that i went there because i wanted to see some men..who cares about the work out... It is hard (ha) doing this or lack of there. I am so use to having what i want when i want it... (shh) as many times as i want it..for the past..GOOD GOD 4 years. So as i sit here on the couch... i turn to this. Fuck i don't have cable because i would be laying on the couch doing nothing but thinking..thinking... The only urge in me is to text NAMELESS...but i don't want to. i want to be over with that.. i think. But but butt butt... Oh my mind... I think if i had money and like to drink... i would be DRUNK OF MY...DIAMONDS ON MY NECK PATRON IN MY CUP IF YOU WANT IT COME IT GET IT.... OH MY MIND.

You know i am just talking about eating some cheesecake right! Damn, I love cheesecake

I BLOG BECAUSE I SCREAM WAY TOO LOUD ( for that cheesecake..damn y'all get your heads (ha) out of the gutters)

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In the wrong area... needing all

So I am back in Indy..the visit with my father was..um, awkward. I enjoyed myself. We saw the Soloist, good movie. I think i heard Van snoring through some of it. We got gas, he paid, we got food, he paid. And my favorite, we got Cheesecake, he paid. Aww...child support for an adult. I laugh at myself. He wanted to take me to the mall but i was sick of driving and it was 8:45p when he decided to do that. I think deep down he actually knew it was closed just wanted to... have something to say. I don't know.

You know while i was getting myself lost in Chicago, i noticed that my Car, which name is MICK, told me that the gas was getting low. Not like " Hey ma'am your gas is low" Like "BEEP BEEP"...well i think you get the point. So on one of my wrong turns i took, it said like 30 miles til empty. Now 30 miles in rush hour is not much at all. All the stop and go traffic. Anyho... the detour that Fransicso took me on lead to me the ghetto. I am talking ghetto. Where i was concerned in my car.. who know what would have happened if i got out of the car..So i didn't get gas... i continued with the detour..if i ran out of gas.. i guess i would have just sat there waiting on someone to get there. Who would i have called in a city where i know so few? Probably my mother..it would have taken her 3 hours to get there? My father..he flew in... interesting... Maybe i should stop next time?

On the way back, I wanted a (aw.. here we go).. five dollar foot long..(any any). So i looked on Fransisco for the nearest one.. without backtracking or getting to far off the highway. The first one i stopped at was (keyword..ha) WHITES ONLY SANDWICHES. (thanks Pooh and thanks LIFE the movie). I pulled up, anticipating..my sandwich and everyone's eyes seem to be on me. everyones white eyes... so i put my seatbelt back on and headed to the next subway where it look like they knew that we had overcame and had a black president. Yes, that was 30 miles up the road, but it was worth the way. And i ate the entire thing. First time ever eating that much.. hopefully it goes to my boobs not my butt or thighs.

While driving, i heard this song that i seem to get out of my head. Its called HER HEART by Anthony Hamilton.. there is a part where he sings

"And as you cried in my arms
You woke up my heart
And I saw again what I found in you"

On the way down i listened to it a million times and i cried for about 30 mins straight. I used to have this feelings, i love when i have these feelings and someone use to have these feelings for me. I didn't cry because he said cried in my arms. I cried because the YOU WOKE UP MY HEART.. yeah it is a love song but i took it to you woke up my heart showing your true self to me and i saw again what i found in you that i needed to let go. if that makes any sense. Its a great song. I don't think it matters if you let so first but i am going to one up you and let go more. TELL THAT (ha)

I BLOG BECAUSE I GET LOST IF I DIDN'T

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Lost with the GPS

Made it Chi. Safe and sound. It took forever. I got lost. With Fransico, that's the name of my GPS. How do you Fransico stay right but remain left.. Make a uturn. Make a uturn. Have you tried making a uturn or stay right when going left on I-94w. If you have I need the secret. Because it's not possible. Fransico almost went flying out the window. Now you make a uturn. But... I got here. Thanks to Fransico.. Hotel is nice haven't seen dad yet. But I looked at his shoes ( I work in shoes.. So I look at shoes) he wears a size 10. Didn't know that. That made me smile. You know when little girls walk around in their daddys shoes.. Like when they are 1 or 2 years old... I never got to do that he was never there for that so i look at his sizes. Simple things. His my father, I'm his first offical first born (whole other blog... I have a older adopted sister, and dad remarried and I have two other siblings).

PS. My phone rang yesterday. Yep.. He got his money. Hopeful I can... Breathe better

Also Mark since I know you read this.. Wonderwoman made a comment on one of the pages. Check it out. I love my followers. The power of the world wide web

I BLOG BECAUSE IT RELEASES MY UTURNS

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Motorpooling

i just saw a man with man on a motorcycle.. No it was not a carrier on the side.. The man in the back had his hands on this other guys stomach holding on. And the thing that made me double take is that gas is $1.96 ( so i don't think that is the reason for carpooling..or motorpooling) and that they looked like drinking buddies not cut buddies. You know, to each their own but that was a little weird. They should have rethought that before the execution. I think i would have if i were a guy.. but I am not and i didn't.

Tomorrow i am going to Chicago to see my father. He lives in MS and has a confernece in Chi. I am excited to see him. I haven't seen him since i graduated from BSU about..wow.. I am about to tell me age back in 2004. (do the math). We will probably talk and eat. The only thing i am dreeding beside the morning, midday, after work and middle of the night traffic is the conversation about what i plan on doing with the rest of my life. The only answer that i have come up with today was.. I don't know.. I will look into that for you. The rest of my life...? Honestly i would just like to find the ONE, get married and have children. In that order..soon and very soon. I think i was put here to be a mother, a wife, and a daugther. So right now i am 1 for 3. I would love to be 3 for 3 right now. How do my odds look?

I BLOG BECAUSE I THINK MOTORPOOLING SHOULD BE IN THE DICTIONARY

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Nameless...Randomness but not Pointless

I go visit people at there residence, but people don't come see me.. I have an entire apartment that 5 people have come to see..and one girl hasn't been my favorite in a while (but we are growing back to like one another). So that is down to 4 people that have come to see me...one is a 3 year old (whom i love to death..my GODBABY). So that is down to 3 people that have come to see me..Pooh came with my Godbaby (heck she is 3 and can't drive and she is my BFF). so that is down to 2 people that have come to see me, RH helped me move in and then their is NAMELESS (oh, i think that name might stick with him). Where is everyone else?

I think that i am selfish at times. At many times... and i don't know why that is. In life, in relationships, in money and at work. Note that i said "at times." I want so much more than i have, and give what i can and no more..and i want my feelings to be consoled and my thoughts listened to. But i do listen to others. I dislike it greatly when people don't want to talk to me...I dislike it greatly when people don't hear me or listen to me...much in the same. I had NAMELESS tell me on several occassions that i only think about myself...well if you think about it.. who else will think about me, and care about my needs the way i will. Not saying i dont care about others and am their for them and what not, people i am... I am always there.. more than people actually want to point out. Maybe NAMELESS doesn't know what he is talking about.. i think that is what it is. That is why he will remain NAMELESS, and our memories will be POINTLESS. Ugh...

People people people... is this mic on ...the reason of my blogging is not to just talk about him. when you have something happen in your life you find how ironic things are about situations and events and somehow goes back to him. NAMELESS. The pain is there and it is real. The tears fill my pillow, but you know every morning will be different and i will be one step further away from RANDOMNESS and EMPTINESS. But i will try and keep my blogs away from just NAMESLESS to get my real points across... ugh.... the phone just rang...but... it... wasn't you. Am i really waiting for you to call to talk to me or just call so i can ignore you....try me.

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Trooper for the Cheese or Cheesecake

Do you have your money? That's when you know the relationship or what ever was still there is done. OVER. NULL and VOID...you told me not to worry about it. But YES, come pick it up. DO I HAVE YOUR MONEY...shit do you have the time that was wasted when i thought you wanted to be with me. WOOOOOSAAAAA

update 1: I didn't go through with the hair cut...i got crazy scared and my hairdresser didn't want to..and i trust her..plus that would have added a less another 2 hours in at the salon..and i already think that 2.5 hours is to long for a wash.

update 2: the friend that i quoted in yesterday Oprah topic has not read this yet but he seemed interested and excited that he was in my piece.

Okay enough with the updates...

Last night me and POOH went to La RODEO (make sure the R rolls off your tongue) for some authentic Mexican food. It hit the spot. I have had some awful Mexican food before. My cousin was graduating from a college in Indianapolis. We called ahead to make reservations to El Sol (it means the sun)..we got there..no one was there. When i mean to one... like why did they even take the reservations, no one in America even know you all exist. Anyways, on the menu the served goat. So i wasn't even interested anymore, in anything that they were serving but i wanted to try and be a trooper. I got Enchiladas. It came out looking like...ugh. I put my forkful of mess in my mouth and it came back up. GROSS OF ALL GROSS...nastiness. I made my cousin cry because the restaurant was bad. Heck, she didn't build the place or serve or cook the food. I was so was again done. I sat their with my "safe" water (or was it). I have a problem with white melted cheese and it was all of my dish..anyways i lost my train of thought.... lets see..Oh so after it came back up..the waiter asked me in his broken English did i want something else. I said no, but i should have said i wanted some fries from McDs and some cheesecake (oh how i love thee). that should have put a smile on someones face...because i was smiling.

But i am weird like that, because the food could of have been the bomb (which i doubt) but i have a problem with how half melted or already melted cheese goes down my throat..it makes me gag or worst. So to my cousin, i am sorry if i offended you in anyway but i got nothing but love for you.

I BLOG BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I DON'T HAVE ANY CHEESECAKE

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As I wait for a Call i think about my hair

Its funny how long i wait for you to call me. I waste time doing that. Does my phone ring, YES. Are you on the other end, no! Am i surprised NO. Would my family be happy that you didn't call and would just leave me alone. HELL YES. But there is something in my that wants you to call me and wants you to come over. Its been a week since...and you just stopped calling and i figured the phone rings both ways so i am not going to blow your phone up if that is what you are waiting for. I am at this point where I feel more alone than usually and it would help if you just picked up the phone like you did for the last 1.5 years and just talk. It would give me great joy for a little conversation. But now i guess some other girl is on your jock and you gotta do you. FINE. We are friends, aren't we. Don't be in someones bed when you were just in mine less than a week ago. And when i mean bed i mean literally and like in your space..taking all your time. You know i won't even go there... because quite honestly I don't want you in my bed...FRESH sheets and all..HA. No but for real, i don't.. I am pass that with you.. but i see and know what is on your mind when you come over. Well like 75% of the time. I can look pass all that physical stuff. I want you as a friend..a friend that when my world comes crashing down or i need someone to talk to you will talk to me. But you know, that might be to much to ask of you..since you are a BUSINESS MAN...trying to find out what really keeps you busy man is none of my business. But all the busy men and business men i know, can use thedamn phone. Sigh... Okay I'm off soap box now

As i wait for my call i think about my hair..to cut or not to cut. Its hair..with will grow back like the weeds in the flower bush. I want it short-- like short short...NIA LONG, Angela Basset. I have the face, i think, for it and i am a petite frame.. i know it would look good but would i like it. Could i EMBRACE it? Or would i look like i boy, and less available...or less like myself. I think the sexiest thing would be when rub my hands through it and i can massage my scalp...like when you rubs a guys hair. Would i look like a boy? And it grows back..right...I just don't know. Everyone else says to do it but i am SO scared. Its not there hair or their life. But i think i could do it, i could rock it. will i miss my ponytail...Probably not, i can never find a rubber band it pull it up anyways. HA...as a wait for my phone call i think about my hair

I BLOG BECAUSE AT TIMES MY HAIR GROWS AND MY PHONE ISN'T RINGING

**as a side note.. for the people that do call me and hang out with me... i welcome that.. don't stop..its just at times..well that a whole other blog.. you get what i am saying.. Continue to be there for me a put me out the door to do stuff.. i welcome it and love it. I LOVE MY FRIENDS

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Spending Money and Oprah

Day 2: So i have this weird habit now. I go into a store, either fill my cart or hands up with what i want or what i think i need to complete my "fix." Fill it up all the way. TO THE TOP. TIPPY! want start eliminating things one by one. At this time, I have eliminated and added some things. And then..the next move might shock you..but i do it all the time... i leave it all there and walk out the store. Although i have waste time, my precious time, that i cherish so much...I HAVE NOT WASTED MONEY. Its funny. But i do it all the time. Now i do feel sorry for the people that have to find where all the stuff goes and put it away. I have saved so much money this way it is crazy. Now there are times that i do purchase things, but i also return things...It saves!!

Now for Oprah: I don't understand. I watch the show from time to time but i don't feel as though she doesn't have the heart anymore..she doesn't listen to her guest and seems to rather talk about herself an any conversation.. I don't get it at all. I like Whinfey when she listened to people, when she cared, when she cried with them..now....OPRAHS ON...ugh that song
She would probably play herself in her own Life story! SAD (words of Mark McCowan)

I BLOG BECAUSE I CARE WHATS ON MY MIND

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Read Write and Let Go

Day1: I feel as though this was a long time coming... I need to write and read in life. I have recently started reading..and when i say recent..well the other day I was cleaning out my old apartment and realized the millisecond when i closed the door behind me to go to the new apartment (which is just right up the stairs..stay with me now) that my keys where in there, and my IPHONE. Not only my keys to the old apartment but also the new one. The only thing that i had with me was my 5 quarters to start washing my clothes. This was 7am. Well the only thing to do down in the laundry facilities was to read a book from this community "leave you book for someone else to read" library. So i picked one up..and by 10am when I was freed- the book was completed. And i started my next one the next day. I have now been through 2 books in 3 days and deciding on what to read next... so I will write until then.

I am starting to LIVE AND LET GO. I can only do me and that is all that is asked of me. I am sick of being compared to everyone and every situation. I am not them and they are not me. If i wanted to be someone else i would. I love my life, minus my job (and to be a millionaire would be great), and for people to call themselves my friends and make me feel worst then i can make myself feel is AWFUL. And why do i still call you my friend. When I need my support system, i turn and turn...and do 360s.... Days on ends pass and i wonder if i were not here would anyone care. I don't understand. I know it is not always about me.. but sometimes i want it to be to know that someone cares about me. Now, i am not saying i have no one...for the few people that might read this..

For some reason i am getting emotionally, so i am going to stop for the night.

I BLOG BECAUSE I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS

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