La.Bella.Vita: May 2009

im done..time to move on.

You come over to soothe my day (it was a day from hell at work)..and your manhood gets in the way...whether we did or we didn't but i just needed someone on my side. to talk to, someone to listen...but i can see in your eyes thats what you want. Ugh! I didn't hestiate, let's just get it out of the way and it will be over. I SAID I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR MANHOOD. there it is out of the way. You stayed too long and hugged too long and it was what i was longing for. But i could have got that from another. I just wanted to see you and you surprised me...I think i fell for the trap. You sit there knowing i want you more than you want me, but i will not touch you... you are off limits to me. The last hug you gave me...brought me to me knees...i cried like a 5 year old and i couldn't stop. was it you with me or me with you that brought all this pain to surface in one hug..Maybe i shouldn't see you again..like ever in life.

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to fly

PRETTY WINGS

(BROWN ARE THE LYRICS PURPLE ARE MY COMMENTS)

Time will bring the real end of our trial (I think we are over..for good)
One day there'll be no remnants, no trace, (the scars that you have left on my heart will be healed by someone else)
No residual feelings within you
One day you won't remember me. (you will remember what you used to have and wonder what you did wrong)

Your face will be the reason I smile (happiness for letting go so something that only made me stronger in life and love)
But I will not see what I cannot have forever
I'll always love you. (You have taught me so much about myself, so much that i loved the way that i was, and will continue being me)
I hope you feel the same.

Oh, you played me dirty, your game was so bad (you're game was chess and was trying to be a piece..where i need to be the Player)
You toyed with my affliction
Had to fill out my prescription for the remedy
I had to set you free. (Free to do what you will, we are removed from one another)

Away from me
To see clearly (i am still learning how to do this)
The way that love can be
when you are not with me (I will love again, without you...
I had to lead
I had to live
I had to leave
I had to love (my 4 favorite lines in this song)

If I can't have you
Let love set you free (free..removed...please use those words interchangeable...I wonder if i would ever be in your arms again, but then i remember your words and your harmful touch and i am free to love anyone else)
To fly your pretty wings around.

Pretty wings, your pretty wings,
yourPretty wings. Pretty wings around.

I came wrong you were right
Transformed your love into like. (from you hiding your true feelings about what you felt about us...made my love for you disappear and sooner or later so did you. You changed into someone i didn't want to be with anymore. But i wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted it to work..I pushed and pushed)
Baby believe me, I'm sorry I told you lies.
I turned day into night
Sleep till I die a thousand times
Ah, I should've showed you
Better nights, better times
Better days, and I miss you more and more (You showed me a lot about myself and what i deserve, the only thing i am missing now is that guy that can treat me the way you once did. Did in the beginning. And you know as days turn in to weeks.. i don't care anymore. I am happy. I got my friends and my family. And I will be okay)

If I can't have you
Let love set you free
To fly your pretty wings around.

Pretty wings, your pretty wings, yourPretty wings.
Pretty wings around.Pretty wings, your pretty wings,
your Pretty wings. Pretty wings around.

-Maxwell

This song has become a coping song for me...I am learning. I am letting go...

I BLOG BECAUSE IT HELPS ME COPE

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breaking news

So, i ran into you the other day..and when i mean ran into..you asked if you could come over. I said yeah. I sat in my dining room and you sat on the couch. I was uncomfortable. I was waiting you to leave. Yeah, i made my bed, but not for you to lay in and did my dishes not for you to use and cleaned my bathroom but not for you to use.. I just needed to and i a wanted it to look a certain way...I don't think i consciously did it for you but i don't know. But i am happy that you didn't stay and that my place is semi clean now.

You did hug me when you left..and honestly i started crying.. you held me longer than you should have and i could feel me hands didn't want to let so i held on as long as you did. But honestly when you felt your hands let go..it was like.... um.. a release. I was ready. I don't look at you the same way that i did. To be honest, i could jump anyone's bones if i wanted to but that is not that what i am looking for... I think i can breathe! Sigh! Breathe easier.

Do i think i will relapse? No, I won't let myself

Do i think i will cry? Yes, until i can't anymore

But i will keep myself busy and not think i am less than what i am. Or deserve the BS that you served me..BECAUSE I CAN DO BETTER THAN YOU AND WILL DO BETTER THAN YOU.

---and sorry about the d*ck comment..i heard they can sew those things back on...

---and please lose my mothers phone number, you don't need to wish her a happy mothers day because the words that she has for you don't start with happy but probably involved muthaf---

I BLOG BECAUSE MY RANDOM THOUGHTS ARE SO RANDOM

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in·san·i·ty

in·san·i·ty
Pronunciation: \in-ˈsa-nə-tē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural in·san·i·ties
Date: 1590
1: a deranged state of the mind usually occurring as a specific disorder (as schizophrenia)2: such unsoundness of mind or lack of understanding as prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship, status, or transaction or as removes one from criminal or civil responsibility3 a: extreme folly or unreasonableness b: something utterly foolish or unreasonable

Soi know this will be putting me on blast..but.. i want my followers to read and comment...

Me: Since i don't share this with anyone anymore....

I'm sad that i don't get to see you anymore or talk to you. I wait for for a day or evening that you want to just come over just to shoot the breeze. i miss that. It's been really hard not really having you around just to listen to me, share our thoughts about..Well anything!!

And not to get this confused with my intentions but last night i woke up around 330a (which i do every night because that's when you used to call to get the door unlocked) and i reached for you) Obviously, you were not there but it hurt and i had a mild melt down...But it's sad. And i wanted to say sorry for everything i didn't that wasn't what you wanted

In the end though, I don't want to hate you...So i want you to know where i am coming from and its not built up in me

Nameless: Its cool. I know you think everything was easy for me but it wasn't. At the end of the day, i feel like i did all i could. I couldn't continue to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result to come. That the definition of insanity. I had to remove myself

Insanity.. Are you calling me insane? For caring about you, helping you, loving you...

I HOPE YOUR D*CK FALLS OFF BASTARD.

Now that is insanity...

I BLOG BECAUSE I AM IN THE RIGHT STATE OF MIND

side note: I am done! For real..there might be blogs but i am done.

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Reached

Sometimes i wish i could control my thoughts and or my actions. Last night...

I reached for you. I was turning in my bed and where i thought you thigh should be..well it wasn't there. At that moment i became unstable. I couldn't sleep, i couldn't think straight. All i could do was wait for your phone call..and waited and waited. Still nothing! I toss and turn and wonder if you are thinking about me as much as i am you. It hurts so much when i see you all i can do is be nice and try to make small talk. But tonight you did notice the outfit...which, sad, again, i wore it for you. I came home trying to tell myself just get in the bed, he is not going to call or come by. He is over you! And get over yourself. But i can't and i couldn't. I waited.

And when my hand went searching you, my eyes began to fill with tears. It is you that I am missing. But maybe it is for my own good. I don't need you to be with me because you feel obligated or that i want you next to be. I want you with me because in your heart that is all you know. And that is all you can think about..is me...well do you...Do you think about me? Does you hand search for me in those empty-lonely nights..? Or are you hands already searching for someone else. I think it would help if i didn't see you or talk to you because it hurts more than you think and i can't control myself or my thoughts when i am near you. And obviously you don't want me, because my phone would have rang or my text messages answered. I just don't understand...why do you continue to hurt me with out even knowing it.

I waiting for you last night, i don't know out of habit or what have you. The band was packing up and i was just sitting there..waiting...for what?? I hardly spoken to me and you continuously walked passed me without saying anything. But i still waited...for nothing. You walked me to my car..which i appreciate..but you do this with any girl that is leaving anywhere late at night...its called being a gentleman. I got a hug and you complimented me on my outfit (yes!)..and i just want to grab you and start over. "Hello my name is______, lets start our lives together". And I waited, and my mouth remained shut. My heart is screaming to you and you give it the silent treatment. I waited

I BLOG BECAUSE ONE DAY I HOPE TO GET OVER WAITING

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I have done a lot of counting today. I woke up, in a hurry.. I needed to go help out at my store today, go work out, eat, get hair done and then an event tonight. Lets start with the 7 am alarm. I am woke! I am up but i don't want to start my day..was the very first thought in my mind. I want to stay in bed until i HAVE to get out...to do the necessary things. Well, if i get up now i can stop by Panera to get breakfast..Okay it takes me 30 mins to get to Panera by the job. And then 5 more mins to get to work...So i need to get up NOW. Of course when i get to work, my other manager wants to me stay later.. NO.. this is my day off and you are lucky that i am here now. Breathe...count to 10. Um, i can't stay pass 9:30am..I have to be somewhere at 10am. She was mad..I don't care! I don't want to be there anyways. I am out the store by 9:33a..headed to the gym for BootCamp...Damn I am feeling it...But all this counting and breathing and counting and reps after reps. My mind began to wonder....

1,2,3,4 dang it i could have saved the money from Panera and eat at home... i just brought all the stuff the other day and i just wasted $3.45,6,7,8.... Did i just see ligthening, i wondering if someone else just saw that. I didn't know it was going to rain all day today. Should i get my hair done would that be a waste now that it is raining. 9,10,11,12,13...its ABs time.. i really can't think when i do this. All i was thinking if people are checking out my ABs, they look good and they are rock solid. To bad there are no men in this session today, maybe in Fridays class...well the instructors are men.. but they have children, 1, 2, and 3....Not my type at all. Did he just say hold that for 30 more seconds. Okay... Morgan Freeman.... (yep he just jumped in my mind) he has children and grandchildren...thats okay..he's married.
WE'RE DONE...Awesome- headed home to make some food and then off to the hairdresser. I hope this doesn't take all day

Breathe Breathe Breathe

By the second half of this work out, i am thinking about all this counting that i have to do on a daily basic and my mind wonders to counting on people and people counting on me. I didn't really have a solid thought about it, it was just there, looming over me like a rain cloud (IDK, i couldn't think of anything). I feel as though sometimes i am just here.. like no one really realizes on me for anything. I could do days and days and i would not have to answer to anyone. I know wouldn't. I test it somedays... my phone doesn't ring..it doesnt do anything. I want to be someones something...maybe not there everything but i want to feel as though i am here for a reason because for a space filler, a bill payer, and a worker. I need a change and i need it soon because this isn't it and its getting to me.

I BLOG BECAUSE ITS GETTING TO ME

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THE INSANITY OF SPENDING

So this morning, after the gym i decided to go to Wal*Mart to get some groceries. So I went in for bagels and a new toaster. I left there sending $45.26. GOOD GOD...How did i do that? Well, as i was walking down the aisles, i decided that i wanted an Omelet from LePeeps. But didn't feel like making another trip somewhere else in my work out clothes to eat some breakfast that would have cost me, at the least, $13.00. So, I might at well get everything myself and make it myself.

The most expensive bagel trip....

$18.97 Toaster- i needed one with a cancel button because the one that i just broke didn't and now it doesn't toast

$2.18 wheat bread for my lunch sandwich for work, but i never want those when i am at work, i always want Panera or McDonald's, not a cold sandwich

$3.00 lunch meat- i don't like cheap lunch meat but i should because i always seem to waste it or it does bad

$1.01 for my onion and $.88 bell pepper, and $1.88 on mushrooms..that i had to convince myself to buy because if these were shipped from Mexico, could they carry the Swine Flu. In that case i picked them up with the plastic baggy anyways. I can't afford the Swine anything, i only came for bagels not a disease, and medical bills, and doctor visits.

$2.48 texas toast- i don't like this cheap either. this is for the spaghetti that i wanted to cook..and well you have to have bread to go with it. I make the best spaghetti. I do.. really..well i love it

$$6.80 (combined) on other lunches for work..in case i didn't want a cold sandwich again for the 4th day in a row

$2.93 Soy Milk..i don't like it but it goes good with my Honey Nut Cheerios, that i think i have at home.. i hope so

$2.88 on, get this, English Muffins, not bagels. And you know why, this is a sore spot for me, whenever i go to Wal*Mart I am looking for Honey Wheat Bagels..did they just stop making them. I don't understand. You made them for 3 years straight and not i can't find them anywhere. I hate this. I just want those bagels to put in my new $18.97 toaster with the much needed cancel button. Ugh

$.92 for my eggs..for this omelet that i now had all the ingredients for.

I came for my bagels and i left with 3 bags and a omelet to cook. Damn..LePeeps sounded better. so after i make that one omlet, i wont want another one for a while..so i won't use the eggs and i english muffins are gross and the bell pepper, onions and mushrooms i guess i could use those in my spaghetti. But i don't have the energy. And my kitchen is a mess and i need new pots and pans..but heck i just spend $45.26 at Wal*Mart when i could have just better off at LePeeps for $13.00.

I BLOB BECAUSE I BROUGHT EVERYTHING IN THE CART TODAY

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Adding to the EFF ME??

Oh does it hurt..Men do it to women just as much as women do it to men. Don't text me your desires with me, we are not together. You say you want to start something with me..that doesn't start in the bedroom, on the couch or me in any compromising position. I don't want you to be that straight forward with your "manhood" because i think if you are wailing it around waiting for a "pick up game" are you trying to proposition others to. Any takers- I will take the first one?? Put it away young man. I am not the girl, the women or the human existence for it. Take your "manhood" to someone that likes it like that and doesn't make it into more than what you want. Because the next person that i lay with, cross my fingers for this one boys and girls, will be my husband or a long relationship lover. i am getting to hang of sleeping alone, working out to relieve this extra energy that is being built up. I think i will be fine. As a good friend of my once said recently, I NEED SOME NEW _ick. I do! I Do! IDO. But i also want to have some meaning behind it, not just because they haven't gotten any in a while and i am now single. That is not my problem and i am not the solution. Go jack it off..I know that is rude and too much for some people to hear but a woman doesn't want to be just for now, i have nothing else going on, just for tonight person. We, in general, want to find the one or the one for right now. UGH.. i think i might need to go back to the gym. And if you have a girl.. LEAVE ME THE FCK ALONE... be with her! I can't help you!! Actually delete my number, those pictures and the text messages. I don't want any part of a love isosceles triangle, rectangle or octagon. Concern yourself with her, because while you are concerning yourself about what I am doing..think about what she might be doing TOO.

..now **SIGH**let me stand behind my words..

I BLOG BECAUSE I AM NOT PART OF YOUR PICK UP GAME

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Broken Down

Fck It!

I feel pain! And i cant help but be sad... I am broken down. Stop asking me what is wrong or why you seem so distant when we haven't talk really in 3 weeks. I have said me piece to someone else about you. I am exhausted. The other night..that purple dress i wore...THAT WAS FOR YOU..

why

why... i cried all night long..

I BLOG BECAUSE THE NIGHT IS FORGIVING

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Im Not but I am

...i am not going to entertain you. Walk pass me and don't speak. I can be the bigger person and not speak to you either. And then try and have small talk after you see me...what

...i am not going to let you rude ass, stupid ass comment get me down (although it has already and i am fighting back the tears)

... I am going to delete your number from my phone because i am sick of it... what happens to us being friends where we talk on the phone. F it if you don't want to come over becuase you can't control your "manhood", then we have a problem. Because I just want to talk. talk. Talk. TALK. Consider yourself deleted!

... I will play that song on repeat all the way to work because my heart screams and my eyes pour. But somehow it makes me feel good.

... I will shake hands with you at the gym..because i like a guy that can work out. And your tall. And chocolate. And handsom. And i didn't see a wedding band. But do you have kids...oh whats your name again.. I am so bad at remembering names. I think you said Greg. Well Greg i need to know your last name...??

... I will remain true to myself the best way i know how. But its just me.

I BLOG TO REMAIN TRUE

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